Killing The Joke

Why did the baker have brown hands?

2009-10-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

Because he burned them when taking sausage rolls out of the oven without taking the appropriate precautions. Take heed.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

2009-10-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

It wasn't. 6 is a number. Numbers are not sentient. (shamelessly nicked from sickipedia)

Whats yellow and dangerous?

2009-08-26T04:25:00.001-07:00

A wasp.

A chinese man goes to work on a building site.

2009-08-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Turning up on the first day he asks the foreman what he will be doing. "Supplies", replies the foreman. The Chinese man goes to work in the supply department where he is primarily responsible for issuing the companies staff with correct safety equipment and job-relevant tools. It's a role he really enjoys and proves to be exceptional at.

A horse walks into a bar.

2009-08-10T10:30:00.001-07:00

The barman looks at it and says "Blimey! Cheryl, you segregate it from the lounge area and I'll try and herd it back outside". (submitted by Druid of b3ta)

A ghost walks into a bar.

2009-08-06T01:36:00.001-07:00

The barman doesn't respond, even when the ghost tries to order a drink. The ghost suddenly realises that because it has no physical presence, not only can the barman not hear it, it would be unable to taste or even hold a drink. It feels very silly. (submitted by Woodside from b3ta)

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

2009-08-01T02:20:00.000-07:00

In all honesty, it's not really feasible. The pitch and range of a ducks quack is more than likely insufficient to fulfil the subtle and delicate vocal style needed for the Soul genre.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

2009-07-29T01:19:00.000-07:00

Only the one. It's hardly an arduous task.

Where do you go to weigh a whale?

2009-07-17T03:35:00.001-07:00

A fishing port would be the best place, as they have the appropriate craneage - although as whaling is illegal in most places you would have to take it to Japan (submitted by Druid of B3ta)

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

2009-07-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't actually a fan.

Somebody has stolen all the toilets from the Police Station.

2009-06-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Police are taking this very seriously - for one, it means the security of the station has been compromised - no insignificant matter, all things taken into account. Luckily there is plenty of evidence in the form of closed circuit camera footage of the culprits, so they should be apprehended shortly. Added to the fact that this week saw them investigating a hole that was found in the middle of the road in the high street, it's been a traumatic time.

Why are there no Aspirin in the Jungle?

2009-06-12T03:17:00.000-07:00

Well, the lack of pharmacists/chemists in true 'jungle' areas means that they can't be purchased there, which will limit numbers. However, statistically some will be mistakenly left by explorers or other visitors to the area as Aspirin is useful in the jungle as an analgesic to relieve minor aches and pains, as an antipyretic to reduce fever, and as an anti-inflammatory medication, as well as having an anti-coagulate effect.

Why did the Chicken cross the Road?

2009-06-04T03:53:00.000-07:00

It had probably escaped from someone's hen house and would have been absolutley terrified. It would not have had any particular destination in mind, but was trying to find shelter from the traffic. Call the police and/or the RSPCA unless it is safe to attempt catching it yourself and returning it to safety. (submitted by Captn Hood-Butter of B3ta.)

Why didn't the Skeleton go to the Party?

2009-06-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

To be accurately described as a skeleton, you would have to be dead. There is no way an organism can continue to exist when reduced to just its bone structure. Animate skeletons are confined to fiction so would be unable to attend a social gathering.

Why do Cows lie down in the Rain?

2009-05-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

Theories abound on this matter. Some say that cows can sense the changes in atmospheric pressure that occur before rain and will lie down to keep their sensitive underbelly dry. A similar suggestion is that they just want to preserve a dry patch of grass to lie on. However, the most prevailing opinion is that they just lie down when they are full and content and that any correlation with rain showers is coincidence.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

2009-05-11T05:13:00.000-07:00

An ambulance. Surely if you saw a man with a spade buried in his head your immeadiate thought would be to make sure that he wasn't about to die and then get him medical attention. It would probably also be important to get him into the recovery position (submitted by Ian)

What do you get if you pour Boiling Water down a Rabbit Hole?

2009-05-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

If you were to do it in a protected environment, you would get at the very least a stern talking to by a ranger or warden, but it could lead to a fine or legal prosecution.

How does an elephant get ready for his holidays?

2009-05-05T02:13:00.000-07:00

Strictly speaking, elephants do not go on 'holidays' as we would describe them. They do however, embark on seasonal mass migrations, though more out of necessity, rather than for leisure. The herd travels for many miles (usually in an anti-clockwise circular direction) to seek out the most fruitful feeding, watering and breeding grounds.

"Knock, knock"

2009-05-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

"Who's there?"
"It's Dave, your bells broken."

How do you make a Sausage Roll?

2009-05-04T03:12:00.000-07:00

Firstly, roll out the pastry and cut out 4 strips (10 cm by 7cm)
Split the sausage meat into 4 separate parts and roll in 4 sausages so they cover the length of the pastry strips.
Place the sausage meat in the center of the rolls and baste half the pastry with the beaten egg and fold the pastry over so that the meat is covered by it.
Baste the rolls with the beaten egg and place in the a preheated oven of 200 degrees C (400 degrees F) and cook for roughly 25 minutes until golden brown.

How do Welsh people eat Cheese?

2009-05-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

Red Dragon (Y-Fenni) cheese can be served as a table cheese or melted on toast. Conversely, Llanboidy is often used in cooking but can be enjoyed with sliced apple. Vegetarian cheese Caerphilly pairs well with a crisp Chardonnay and Tintern is the ideal pub cheese.

Why do bees hum?

2009-04-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

Because the average honey bee beats its wings at approximately 11400 bpm (180 every second), which causes audible vibrations in the air. These vibrations could be described as a hum, but are most commonly known as 'buzzing'.

What do you give a sick Pig?

2009-04-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Well, Swine Influenza is difficult to treat due to the evolution of the virus in recent decades. However, vaccines can be used when the virus strain has been identified. Other porcine illnesses include "Blue-Ear Pig Disease" and African Swine Fever Virus, both of which require vaccines.

What do you call a deer with no legs?

2009-04-28T01:33:00.000-07:00

Deer are the ruminant mammals forming the family Cervidae. A number of broadly similar animals from related families within the order Artiodactyla (even-toed ungulates) are also often called deer.

Why are there so many Chinese people in Harrow?

2009-04-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

There aren't. The Chinese population represents only 1.4% of the total population of the London Borough of Harrow. This is less than the neighbouring Borough of Barnet, for example.

When is a Door not a Door?

2009-04-27T01:26:00.000-07:00

Never. Anything that is a door will always be known as such. Anything that is not a door was never the subject of inquiry in the first place.

What do you call a Dinosaur with one eye?

2009-04-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

Seriously handicapped. With one eye, the dinosaur would be ill-equipped for hunting and would find it harder to evade predators.

How do you make a Maltese cross?

2009-04-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

Well, firstly you need some molten iron and a specific and suitable cross mould, but really you shouldn't attempt this unless you have previous cross-making experience (This classic submitted - which I can't place the first time I heard it - by Mark)

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

2009-04-26T04:01:00.000-07:00

Well, ignoring the fact that this would be impossible, you'd likely get a creature that was accepted by neither the sheep or kangaroo species and destined to die out in one generation. (submitted by Paul)

"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains"

2009-04-26T03:59:00.000-07:00

"I'm afraid I'm unable to help. I'm a medical doctor and therefore inadequately trained in psychology. I'm afraid I'll have to refer you." (submitted by FoldsFive)

Where do policemen live?

2009-04-26T03:56:00.000-07:00

All over the place. To have them concentrated in one geographical location would make efficient law enforcement unworkable at best. (submitted by FoldsFive)

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

2009-04-26T03:55:00.000-07:00

Because the chance processes of becoming adhered to various other mobile objects had occurred in such a way that lead it to move gradually across the carriageway (submitted by Druid)

What is a ghosts favourite meal?

2009-04-26T03:54:00.000-07:00

They don't have one. The very idea of a non corporeal supernatural entity eating is ridiculous (submitted by FoldsFive)

Welcome to Killing The Joke!

2009-04-26T03:52:00.000-07:00

..which would have been called "That joke isn't funny anymore" but the name had already been taken. Much like Horne and Cordens recent comedy series, the aim of this site is to turn humour on its head and sap any comical potential from any jokes you care to think of. See it as Hale and Pace but without the catchphrases.